When I hear the acronym “NCSY”, several thoughts come to mind- family, friends, Judaism. Most importantly, those four short letters mean “hope”; hope in a promising future, whatever that may be for an individual. NCSY has long been, for me, a safe house from the harsh realities of this world.
I started NCSY freshman year at the request of an acquaintance. I was shy and poorly spoken; just thinking about meeting and carrying out conversations with new people made me queasy. Further, although I graduated a private Jewish middle school, I had no intention of becoming a public Jew in high school. In fact, my goal was quite the opposite… to hide it.
When I hear the word “brother”, I think of betrayal, unfathomable hatred, and illogical choices. The feelings he generated keep me up at night, and trigger the analogous nightmares I visit each night I can sleep. I have come to grips with reality that nothing will ever upset me as much as how I feel when Josh comes to mind. Since this is true, I am forced to ask myself a question; why do small things upset me so much? The answer is blatantly obvious and simple: the disconcerting memory of my brother is constantly in my thoughts. It only takes a small negative to relive all I despise.
As the issue with my brother began to truly unfold (Thanksgiving 2010), I needed a confidant. I turned to one adviser in particular who I have still yet to thank. Upon hearing my story, he made sure to call me every night to listen to my kvetching, he gave me advice, and he made sure I never went to bed angry. I recently phoned the director of my region of NCSY (Upstate New York), Marc Fein, to glorify my adviser, now friend. Marc responded with, “it’s an NCSY mesorah (chain of tradition).” He’s right; that is why NCSY is so effective in developing a well rounded individual, no matter his or her personal experiences. The NCSY culture is one of supportiveness so that even distraught youth may bloom into exactly what I wasn’t freshman year.
Day in and day out I fight with myself over the existence of Josh as my brother. What is the definition of “brother?” A biologist would say, “a male with characteristics selected from the same gene pool as another.” The definition is different from a psychological/emotional viewpoint. My brother should be my hero who steers me in the right direction. He should value our relationship as siblings above all else (besides for his filial piety). He should teach me through his mistakes so that I might have an even brighter future. This definition is, predictably, in contrast to that harsh reality that is my brother.
I have written most of the details of Josh’s sins in previous posts (a few are left out because they are still too painful to be written), so I am merely referencing them. My point is this: NCSY is beneficial, and almost essential, to a young man’s growth and development. I do not know what I would be without the comforting support of NCSY (particularly my adviser/role model going on two years), but I am certain that it would not include being well-spoken, optimistic, or a person with qualities worth admiring. In ways that friends, family members and fellow NCSY goers have yet to understand, NCSY has drastically changed my future. Spiritually, I have gone from casual observer to regular participant; particularly in reference to my wearing a yarmulke. Further, I am no longer doomed to be emotionally brittle. On the contrary, I am more secure in my sense of self identity than I have ever been. As opposed to the pathetic life that my “brother” had laid out for me, I have a bright future ahead and so much thanks to give.
Anonymous
